Ilze Smidt

Onbeskaamd

2011-12-08T03:11:00.002-06:00

Willoos moet ek luister hoe die duister hoop in my laat kwyn.
Stil en seker kan ek tot U nader

Onbeskaamd staan ek
Ontbloot staan ek

en weerloos

dan hoor ek

niks sal jou kan los ruk
niks sal jou verpand
niks sal jou ontbreek

Jy is MYNE

om op hierdie punt te kon kom het 'n jaar van storm ...NEE n jaar van Tsunami's
om die gebeure te lys is nutteloos..
om te getuig dat Hy sorg is kosbaar.

Life

2010-11-25T04:11:00.000-06:00

A Personal Story: Pornography and Marriage
Posted on April 5, 2010 by lorilowe| 8 Comments
Last week I shared some detailed research on the Effects of Pornography on Marriage, Family & the Community. But I wanted to take this issue to a more individual, human level. The following is a revealing interview with Stu Gray, a happily married man (you’ll find his relationship posts at The Marry Blogger) who shares his personal experience with casual, then addictive use of porn.

When did you begin using pornography?I fell into pornography when I was a pre-teen/early teenager of maybe 12. I spent junior high and high school sneaking around the house looking at pornography that belonged to my dad – my or friends’ dads. When I went away to college, I began my own collection; by my sophomore year, the Internet had become an easy way to gain access to pornographic images.

I told many girlfriends, “Porn is just a way of life. Get used to it, or don’t be in a relationship with me.” Porn became a “destresser” after a long day—or a companion on a lonely night. I spent a lot of time with porn, at least daily at some points. There were seasons of time when it would be less important or exciting, but I would say on average my viewing was some sort of image once or twice a day.

I threw out all my magazines and videos the year my wife and I were married in 2004, but the computer still proved to be an issue for me. I really felt a change in my behavior happen in the fall of 2008, and porn has not been a huge temptation for me since then.

How did pornography use affect your marriage?Porn affected my marriage in huge ways. It put a roadblock between me and my wife on many occasions. She felt I was always comparing her to an image; she did not understand my desire or need for the extra images or stimulation, believing that she should be my source of sexual desire.

Now, because of our experience with porn, we have learned some very important lessons about our relationship. We discovered that anything that comes between a couple can be a wedge to pry them apart—or an opportunity to grow together—and to stand together and fight it.

My wife doesn’t like the fact that I have had this struggle, but she is my biggest fan. She realizes that we are a team, and we have to fight together against this thing…and not let it come between us. She used to view me thru the lens of pornography, and so did I. But when we moved the porn out from “between” us and put it “in front” of us, we were better able to battle it together. Not that we would wish any type of problem on any relationship, but this has been a blessing in our life – allowing us to learn a very important principle about being “one” as a husband and wife.

Did you find it addictive?I didn’t believe porn was addictive until I decided I wanted to stop. Then I realized that I really had a problem. I used porn to medicate hurts, to relieve stress, to disconnect from real life. Many of those things are the exact same reasons people turn to alcohol, drugs, gambling, over-eating—any of the “addictions” we normally think of in our society.

Did it make you feel less attached to your wife?Absolutely. If my wife is to be the person I share our sexual intimacy with…and I am off by myself in “porn land” getting some sort of false intimacy from someone who is not my wife…guess what? It changes the way I interact with her. I don’t have to be kind to her. I don’t really have to pay her attention. I tended to get upset easier, because I felt she wasn’t meeting my every sexual need (something I believed porn did). I had fewer reasons to be kind because my sexual need was being met, often, by myself. Communication would become difficult—or harsh—much more easily.

There seemed to always be a cloud in our relationship. It was made up of lying about porn, and hiding it. That also took its toll on our marriage, spending so much effort on cleaning up behind myself online to hide where I had been. It became a hassle. And, it catches up with you. To think that your decisions and choices won’t catch up to you is stupid. There always comes a time when you are caught, and have to face the music (and in my faith – that time to face the music may not be during my life here on earth). It wasn’t on the scale of Tiger, Jesse James, Mark Sanford, Bill Clinton, or Dave Letterman, but it didn’t have to be to still be hurtful and negatively impact my marriage.

How do you think your pornography use affected your wife?I believe it impacted her more than I know. Negatively – it destroyed trust and safety in our marriage. It put her confidence in me on the line. If I was being shifty in this area, was I being shifty in other areas as well? It made me hard to deal with, selfish and child-like.

On the positive side though, I have to give her credit. She, through much prayer and counsel, came to the realization of it being “us vs. porn.” If she had not had that epiphany and decided to come alongside me in this battle, and pray with me and for me, to encourage me, to help me stay accountable to people and remember my true desires (to be the best man I can be), I don’t know where we would be today.

How/why did you stop?There were several times that I wanted to stop, and tried to stop. I had many reasons to stop…yet, the reasons were outside of myself. I would think, “I have to stop because people will think I have an addiction,” or “I have to stop because I might hurt someone,” or “’I have to stop because I don’t want my son to have a problem.” When I realized that I, first, wanted to be a better man, a man of better character, because I wanted to be better for me, then for my wife and son, for other relationships, that’s when the change really began for me.

One of the first decisions I made that led to change was my decision to give my life over to God as an adult. I had always thought of myself as a “Christian” because I went to a Christian school and didn’t drink and do drugs. I was a pretty OK guy in my mind. But I realized that my life wasn’t really OK—that I was a broken dude, and needed someone more than just myself to really bring about change.

Here are some practical ways that have helped me:

I ditched every piece of porn I owned. Trashed it in a big green dumpster. That was very first step. There were several more, but this was a physical act breaking away from the habit that I wanted to stop. I want to be a better man. To be a real man of character. Still broken, but trying to live out my life humbly – realizing that I couldn’t do it all on my own. When I really began feeling freedom from porn in 2008, that was the exact same time that my personal computer blew up. Literally—it just stopped working. I had to go to the public library to do any type of work. So, every day for a month, I was at the library in the computer lounge surrounded by people. It was a real reason to not surf porn. I was in public. When I finally got the new computer, the temptation was much less, because I was used to new habits.

I made the decision that I wanted to be better for me.

I changed up my habits.

I tried several groups…Sexaholics Anonymous was like dipping my toe in the water of “recovery” for me. I didn’t connect there for whatever reason, but did find another great Christian-based group called Samson Society. These are guys who are looking for real life and real relationships. It’s not a “sex addicts” group by any means. It’s a “Hey I’m messed up, he’s messed up, lets be in each others life so when we feel like messing up again, we can encourage one another to not be stupid” group. (Several Recovery Groups)

I meet with one guy whom I share everything with. I tried to have my wife be that person for a while…and that was too much for her. As much as she supports me and loves me, it still hurt for her to hear when I had messed up, or wanted to mess up. So, this guy and I share our lives with one another. We call one another and check in. It really helps.

I filter my computer use. In the past, I have limited the time on the computer, the places I could visit…and I still do this. There are several great programs you can use to help steer in a better direction. (Several Filters for Computer)

http://lifegems4marriage.com/2010/04/05/a-personal-story-pornography-and-marriage/

Kleindogtertjie droom

2009-10-27T02:35:00.000-05:00

Gedurende die laaste twee weke het ek besef hoe vinnig ek 'n droom vir realiteit verruil. Ek moes stil staan en besef dat die ruil van droom vir realiteit, gestalte gevind het in seer en vinnig groot word. Iewers moes die tiener in my plek maak vir die verantwoordlikhede van 'n volwassene. Die betaal van rekeninge nog voor ek geweet het 'n kar se bande het loopvlakke....
Die seer het my hart, hard gemaak vir dit, wat my moes vrou maak. Dit wat ander meisies met soveel oorgawe vertel, beleef en ervaar het, het ek bestempel as cliche, goedkoop, emosionele, tydmors twak.
Tot ek op 'n Donderdagmiddag die vrede in 'n vriendin se oe gesien het...Toe het dit begin sin maak.

Iewers gedurende hierdie laaste 10 jaar van holderstebloder vrou word, was dit makliker om die fyner dinge van vrou wees opsy te stoot in 'n wereld waar ek dit moes maak... en self moes baklei vir dit waarmee soveel ander net in hul pa se arms ingehardloop het. Dit was makliker om blomme en maanligetes en "girls nights" af te maak as tydmors as om die leemte in my te face en die verwardheid te konfronteer. Ek sal seker nooit die tiara op die kop Ester vrou wees nie, want dit is nie wie ek is nie...EN cliche maak my naar... Maar ek is vandag in my hart oortuig elke vrou is 'n bos blomme en 'n uit die bloute sms "ek is lief vir jou" werd. Elke vrou het nodig om dit te hoor. Elke vrou het nodig om te weet dat die ridder wat jou gekies het, jou -" tiara of te not" bo die res uitsonder.
Ek besef net vandag - ons as vrouens het so baie om te gaan terug vat. Ons het nodig om ons te ontferm oor die feminis - want daar is 'n rede. Ons het nodig om te luister na die "bitch"...want agter daardie masker is daar 'n klein dogtertjie wat begeer om in 'n pienk rok rond te draai. Ons het nodig om tyd te spandeer saam met die "koekiedrukker" vrou wat smag om weg te breek uit roetine. In elkeen van ons is .. meer as dit wat beskawing jou wil afmaak om te wees. Selfs die "los" meisie wat jou ou afgevry het, het jou drukkie nodig....

Ek het 'n begeerte om te sien hoe elke vrou in die gemak van wie sy is, kan funksioneer. Of dit dan nou is om te gaan draf in die reen...of drie kinders groot te maak.

Ons is geskape om kleur te stooi. Ons is geskape om die "suitable helper" te wees. En dit is nie net 'n rol van mooi lyk, lekker ruik en gewig verloor nie....dit is soveel meer. Maar in dit is ek nog op 'n journey om die waarheid te vind....in dit besef ek ons IS geskape om God se" gentleness" te openbaar. Ons is veronderstel om Sy hartklop en emosie te ervaar...wat soms beteken dat ons nie prakties of logies hoef te wees nie..

Dit is regtig 'n random journey ....'n paar los gedagtes...ek is wel in die tyd uitgedaag om weer te droom oor hoe God my regtig geskape het...wat Hy regtig vir my beplan het...en wat Hy uit Sy Vaderhart vir my wil he...

Collective

2009-09-14T06:27:00.000-05:00

I sat in front of my laptop, really pondering about this article, for some reason the emotion living in my heart did not want to shape into words to justify the wrong that I found in thinking about this.
When is the last time that you were really heard? That you experienced someone listening to you with heart, ears, eyes and body? When is the last time you really felt, I have said what I wanted to say. When is the last time you spoke back in response to what someone said and not in self-defense or ambushing someone to collect the ammunition for the next round.
We have friends we carry around with us daily yours might be rejection, mine is certainly the fear of failure. My friend became my advisor for most of my life; it taught me how to think and how to respond. My friend helped me to build walls in defense and to communicate in the battlefield I created.
Why are we so afraid to listen to others and why are we so eager to embrace the voice of your so called friends living in our heads shaped by the paradigms of society?
Noise is all around us.
Visual: The cover of a magazine communicates and I listen, I look at the airbrushed, photo-shop edited model and I listen to the well acquainted friend called rejection.
Verbal: Think about the Maybeline adds… ”Maybe she is born with it…maybe it is Maybeline”
Audio: (“I am a slave for you” by Britney Spears.) Reading this what did you hear and who taught you to listen and perceive in the way you did?
The world we live in communicate to us daily. There is never a moment of silence. Since the day you were born the very first message you received was that you can be better, more beautiful, thinner and successful. Most of us were not trained in listening to the message that is communicated and became friends with the voice that stood up in our inner being the very first time you understood the message of “not good enough” that was conveyed to you.
How do you listen? Do you listen out of an identity that was born out of the heart of the Father? Do you listen with the heartbeat of a daughter knowing that He has a plan and a purpose and a divine appointment with your hurt, suffering and anger? Do you listen with a picture of a true Father that is marveled by the works of His hands?
I challenged myself to start listening in this manner to girls I meet on a daily basis, knowing that somewhere between the layers of confusion there is beauty. Beauty unfading. I challenge myself to listen with my inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in a hopeless and deprived generation’s sight. I challenge myself to listen with heart, body and eyes. Because somewhere between all the hurt and the walls of self-defense, there is an unfading beauty. Somewhere beyond the battlefield of words there is a dove with a broken wing, waiting for healing and to take of in flight. Over and above your pride I listen to the wound that you want to cover by embarrassing me. In the` leaves of your salad I listen to your hungry soul crying out to be nourished.
The next time you listen to your girlfriends or some girl you just met I challenge you to really listen. What is this that she is conveying? Stop acting in self-defense. Listen with your heart, eyes and body. Communicate a message of love, hope, acceptance and understanding. Reach out to the untouched and communicate back all that was stolen.
I leave you with this message….Proverbs 18:21 “The tongue(communication, listening) has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit”
May you gossip the secret kept for ages “Isaiah 54:4-5- Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband- the LORD Almighty is HIS name- the HOLY One of Israel is your REDEEMER; He is called the GOD of all the earth.”

Running in circles...

2009-09-07T04:52:00.002-05:00

I just have the urge to write this down...to write it
all "out" as such... it's almost like these emotions
have me in detention. I am so sick of not being the
master of my emotions. They are running wild, mocking
me like a bird being mocked whilst in a cage.

It influences my whole being:

So what is the function of these emotions - why have
I only start experiencing them since I started the
new venture that I am on.

The funny thing is you can't call them a name, it
is not one feeling "not good enough"
it is just a mixing bowl full of tears, joy fear
and not even getting close to tast the bake.

I do not even know if this is bringing me closer
to God. I do not even know if this is God.
All I know is that I want it to fade...

How can this be normal wanting to lose sensitivity,
compassion, fullfilment, commitment..

just a thought..not a feeling...

Walls

2009-08-12T05:48:00.002-05:00

Walls:

Why I can't do this- because I want it to be about YOU
I am lost in paradigm, structure, my so called friend religion.
I do not know YOU yet I made a choice to lay down my insecurity.
I want to worship YOU yet I come to your feet not feeling worthy.

I forgot or was taught that it's done, forgetting why YOU came, forgetting that
YOU do not mention it again. Forgetting that YOU look in the MIRROR
of YOUR SON.

Standing all dressed in white I choose to look down and miss,
the picture of the Beauty traded for ashes. I want to run
down this isle into YOUR arms of GRACE but somewhere, sometime,
somehow, someone told me that it is not how it's done.

Once I was told YOU are a lover,once I was told
YOU are a friend..Confusion is raging....
Somehow, along the line of thinking and pictures painted,
books on the shelve I messed up the canvas of the picture
YOU painted once on the cross!

And Jesus is alive, and Jesus is alive, and Jesus is alive..
YOUR arms is open..YOUR daughters & sons is arising..Because
YOUR arms is open..The canvas is mirrored the reflection I
see is one of a BRIDE all dressed in white..and then YOU reminded
me to look down the isle..And there YOU stood...looking at the love
of YOUR live....

Blind faith....

2009-05-29T06:01:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I took a big step..I think the last time I was so scared to do something was when I left my security and friends in England...
The funny thing is that there was just a little bit more excitement involved...I was on my way to South Africa becoming a missionary...and in my frame of mind just for a year or two...after that I would have been on my way back to university...looking after my future.....so I was pretty much a backseat driver!

Today 4 years and 4 months later...

I am sitting behind my laptop writing this. Not a graduate, not a mother nor a wife maybe even not such a good friend yet...basically nothing I planned or hoped for....and maybe even more broken and humble than the first time I made this commitment.

This time I do not even have a glimpse of what is coming...it is a bit less of an adventure, because my heart towards the Father has changed...My heart is failing to find Him were I always did. My heart is failing to understand Him like I thought I did. It's failing to connect to the one's that was just like me...those I thought I was able to learn from....

There is very little excitement involved, just a constant realisation the I need to chance. I need to be different if I want to find Him...in fact I have been praying very hard..I have been humbled more than once, I cry ever so often... do not get me wrong..I am not unhappy...I am just baffled by the sorted out people I meet...

I find comfort in the life of David...his honest approach to questioning God, trusting, failing, leaning, praising,crying and trying.

I want to question those with the answers...because I am convinced that if we wait and wail, we will taste and see so much more.....I am convinced that if we endure this season we will be consumed by the WATER that will make us thirst no more....

Empty

2009-05-27T05:41:00.006-05:00

A few weeks ago I saw something - and I forgot to note!

A whole production line....of yellow stones, I felt a bit disappointed
but then after thinking about it for a while..

I realised yet again, God intended different for me.

Why do I struggle so much with this?

Why do I always need to plan, because in my disappointment I went searching and found...love, hope and faith..and I found it

in simplicity..

in meaning...

in simbolism....

His plans goes above and beyond I can imagine...it is time to lay myself down again..

because I am just not that far seeing, ever hearing, all knowing and creative...

Ministry

2009-05-10T12:15:00.000-05:00

Saturday I woke up and I had this sentence spinning round and round in my heart not even my head.. I was able to feel this, it was almost like my whole body was in rhythm with the meaning....

I want you to quit ministry and accept a job at life...

At first hand I thought ....

:::OK this is now it, God is for once really concerned with my sanity and is now giving me a break...I think you will only understand if you read the last three post on this blog, that I hit a rough spot and really did not want to be associated with anything and everything called church or Christianity

But then I had a glimpse back to the Friday evening when Coert and I visited the video shop very late and met the lady working in the shop sitting on the tables at Steers chatting to the lady that is the cashier at the Steers, both of them was having a smoke break. I do not even smoke but I had a burning desire to go and sit with them, to get to know them.

I suddenly I knew this is what God is saying:

See, for so long many people a know left their dreams to be in full time ministry. Many teenagers I know are confused about the dreams they have for studies and future jobs because it is just not noble....If you want to become a fashion designer you are vain....how can you as a Christian be part of a world that is full of gays, promiscuity, wild parties, drugs and a not so stable ethic style of doing business?

I do not know about you reading this. But does this sound familiar? Have you been part of this? Have your dreams been replaced with something more noble, more worthy? This teaching I received for so long in church, the condemnation that grew in my heart of wanting to chase my own dreams whilst the world is dying.....

But today I am thankful for yet another human burden that was lifted. You see because so often we put our Christianity in compartments...now we worship, now we teach, now we reach out and now we have quite time with God...

I do not believe that this is God's heart. I do not believe you have to give up your dreams to become a conformed, cookie shaped christian moving around in circles looking for the lost. I believe His heart was in LIFE...in everyday, every moment, every thought and every motion. I believe He prepared the soil for you where He placed your dream the day He created you. I want to encourage you birth the designer in you! Birth the editor in you! Hold on to your dream.

I believe that I should now get to a place where I spent my time with LIFE, not confined to the 7 hours at school or the Sunday service. And I do not want this to be a thought that I've put on paper, I want this to be me. I really desire to get to know the lady at the video store, I want to know here for what she has been rejected for, I want to know her for what she has lost hope for. I really desire to grow this heart for people, but I know this is hard and I need to be moved by grace and humility. I just know I do not want this to be vain or a thought... I must confess I do not know how to do this...I am just trusting that God will see this humble heart in me, that He will accept my repentance of judgements past... so I am holding on not sure what I will do when the opportunity hit me...but having faith...that God might just use a women like me...

Please read the following scriptures: 1 Tim 4 & Jerm 29:1-14

2009-05-03T10:59:00.000-05:00

been here, know the signs, got the t shirt..got up the first time..sure i will manage again..

Missed

2009-05-02T00:50:00.001-05:00

I have a longing in my heart that is constantly growing. I long to see the heart of God manifest, through His children on earth. I long to be the first to do this, but the more I look at the lady in the mirror, the more I have to accept the fact, that I just see part. I struggle to understand how to manifest His heart, because His heart I believe has very little to do with what I have been taught.. I know that the time is here, I know God is ready to birth this in His children..I just can't help to wonder if I am prepared enough to find His heart, broken in so many places.

Connectivity

2009-04-24T01:54:00.000-05:00

Was jy al ooit in jou lewe so onseker dat jy sommer net lus was om in die bed te bly.
Was jy al ooit so onseker dat jy eder net wou vlug en op ‘n eiland wou gaan bly.

Was jy al ooit so onseker dat jy skaars die moed het om jou foon te antwoord …want jy weet doodeenvouding net nie watter verassing die oproep gaan inhou nie en ek gebruik nie leestekens nie want ek is onseker of die bogenoemde sinne stellings of vrae is….

Was jou siel al ooit so in twyfel dat dit gevoel het dat die ritme van jou hart ‘n kragstasie sal kan oprig vir ‘n dag?

Was jy al so onseker oor die kern van jou bestaan dat twyfel amper die enigste emosie is wat sin maak?

En dan begin jy hardloop…dan begin jy skerm…

Die struktuur wat my so lank in my lewe gedefineer het, het ewe skielik vloeibaar geword. God praat ewe skielik nie soos Hy altyd gepraat het nie. Hy ontmoet my nie meer waar Hy my altyd ontmoet het nie. Hy krap nie meer so “gentle” in die kamers van my siel rond nie – nee HY is besig om ernstig huis skoon te maak ….
Vir lank was hierdie die twyfel in my want ek het geglo ek staan voor ‘n skaal en ek moet op een of ander stadium sou ek moes op klim en geweeg word en wat sou die REGTER se bevinding wees?

GENADE…

Sien SY karakter is nie wat ek so lank aan bly vas klou het nie. SY karakter is nie wat ek vir so lank gestruktureerd en formeel geleer het nie.
-SY karakter is – (met reg voltooi ek nie die sin nie want ek ontdek nog)
Ek staan stil. Ek ontdek. Ek is op ‘n plek waar ek Hom soms in die SPAR raakloop, soms op ‘n tuin stoel. Soms tussen mense wat Hom regtig nie ken of van SY bestaan bewus is nie. Ek mis HOM gewoonlik die meeste by die Kerk en tydens Worship…maar vind HOM tans al meer in wees…in wees bewus in wees lief... in wees beskikbaar.... in wees getrou...... in wees afhanklik…
EK vind HOM nie meer nie .....ek loop HOM raak..... ek struikel soms oor HOM .....en soms wandel ek sommer net saam HOM….

Come and make my heart your home

2009-04-17T02:40:00.001-05:00

I spend very little of my time the past month on actually sleeping…woke up some mornings with the anxiety in my throat…all because I lived to be someone for 28 years of my life who I already am….
Think about it..I, for 28 years tried to change myself into something I thought I ought to be, just because I did not know who I am…the person I strived to be, I already am.
On the beautiful round number of 28, God showed me this by taking me back to all the scars..the one called rejection, another called fear of man…o need I forget about inferiority. I was reminded of words my father spoke at my birth. He always wanted a son, sadly his first borne was me. I remember how the story was told with great giggles in our home. The first child that came out of the theatre was ‘n big stout boy with a bunch of red hair, could have easily been mistaken as his child as my mom has a tendency to red hair. But to his disappointment it was not his son, and then came me…and the first embrace I felt to life was the word of my father that echo in my mind for 28 years…and then she came an ugly skninny pink bundle, almost like a new born rat….
Sounds like my dad is a terrible guy? NO I CHOOSE TO SET HIME FREE, TO FORGIVE AND LOVE WITH LOVE THAT REMOVES ALL FEAR...for sometimes we do not know what we do, and this just reminded me again how much I need Christ in my daily relationships. So during this time God took me….
back to each one of the scars in a way that almost caused me to sometimes make big mistakes, lose people I love…because the fear was bigger than the security I am suppose to know.
He took me back to the person I already am…the one I have been chasing so desperately for the past three months….the person who died @ the age of 24 and became alive in Christ.
The person who at the age of 24 got a new name, a new job and a new beginning…
I realized once again that I am alive in Him, redeemed and paid for ….paid for what is still to come and what happened already and what is happening now.

I am secure, rescued and accepted. I have been dressed with a new garment – one of praise, adoration and forgiveness.
The person I was looking for the past 4 years is here, hidden in Christ.

Isaiah 60:1 – ARISE(from the depression and prostatration in which circumstances have kept you – rise to a new life) SHINE(be radiant with the glory of the Lord), for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you!
So I will stop chasing – and accept what I have hidden in me…A TREASURE(the DEVINE LIGHT of the GOSPEL) in a jar of clay…and might I emphasis in a jar of clay…cracked and fragile but ready to expose the hidden treasure inside.

ego

2009-04-11T04:03:00.001-05:00

vir die eerste keer blog ek in afrikaans sonder hoofletters,leestekens en pretensies ek skryf oor jou egoisme en ek kan jou nie inkleur nie ek kan nie meer met jou label klerekas en mure van pleister baklei nie want vir die eerste keer verstaan ek jou en weet ek waar jou oorsprong is ..........ek wil jou kom flous met die liefde wat soos rooibruin dadels sag gemaak is in my mond...... ek kom jou lief he met die grootste gebod slegs omdat ek n bleed gesien het.......'n beeld in n stukkende spieel....... n bleed wat n terug flits sonder n sluier gestuur het die naakte waarheid ek ..........ek wat my hande uitstrek na wat voorle en kies om jou tentakels van mens gemaakte aanvaarding -een vir een- lief te he soos myself ....en een vir een te laat dans op die ritme van die liefde.... totdat die rimte een word met jou hartklop jou oorsprong totdat jy snak na jou asem en voel hoe die ASEM wat deur jou vloei die ritme van jou hart in balans bring...... kom ego kom dans met my op die maat van die liefde

CoVer To cOvEr.....

2009-01-08T17:17:00.001-06:00

I sometimes WISH that I have a manual for life....

If A happens proceed to B take a 45 degree turn and rest for 45 hours....something like that.....

I will probably only think about things like this when I am very tired and kind of not sure
whether I am on track...
When it feels like I am spiraling and spinning......

BUT
what amazed me yet again...if I come
to a stand still I realise...

often in this times I FEEL i have to figure this out, I must GET this
sorted...THIS can not continue...the opposite of what it should be...because I AM covered....
I am covered by the GREAT I AM....

And the amazing thing about this covering is THAT it is DONE, PAID for and VICTORIOUS. The amazing thing about this covering is that I do have the manual, I can go and HIDE in the SHADOW of the all sufficient ONE. I can remind myself about the PROMISE i have in HIM.

This covering is unconditional...and all sufficient in all circumstances.....

God is really speaking to me about NOT needing to save myself nor the world...I think HE is sorting out the
planner in me....I think HE is allowing me TO BREATHE...I think HE is taking me on this journey of DISCOVERING.....that no matter WHAT - HE'S GOT ME COVERED.....

LOsT...

2009-01-08T17:17:00.000-06:00

This afternoon I went jogging and I got lost...Yet again one of the most random places for my
thoughts to get into action, but it did. How do we in ministry determine LOST....

I ran around a very nice suburb in Pretoria...thinking that it would never cross my mind that
so many of them living here might be lost...without a SAVIOUR.... but one would not even
start to think in the direction because lost in this day and age is so often determined
by poverty and skin colour...

I was even challenged more by the guy standing at the traffic light...not so much about his condition,
the HOLY SPIRIT started talking about my condition...I perceive this as normal and it is easy to turn
a blind eye and say no....so what does this make me knowing the LORD of ALL...having the SPIRIT of TRUTH
living in me....
If I truly want to be the reflection - the very image of Christ...what would my day look like? What will
consume my thoughts what would I really see or do with the man at the traffic light? What would I really do during my afternoon jog?

Truth is I do not have the answer at the moment, I am just very deeply challenged by the fact that I am consumed by
things that is passing...

and I really do want to understand how do I obey the BIGGEST COMMAND? I can't save the world...but what do I
do with the one's entrusted to me...what do I do with the opportunities created for me.....

Maybe we as Christians became numb....and I looked at Heb 12: "Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees....and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated....but rather be healed".......

Maybe we are sitting with a dislocated body....

FAITH

2009-01-08T11:38:00.000-06:00

FAITH....short word, long process...the last two months this was my journey. I am battling with the cliché that we as Christians has made this intimate, silent place that GOD has formed in our hearts. I am battling with the cliché we use Heb 11 for: " faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." we stop just there. True to our sinful, selfish human nature.

The very essence of the question of faith came to me in a deep prayer one day.....

You see we base our faith on what we want to see. We rate the level of faith we have by what we see.... And GOD just convinced me different over the past two months.
Faith in the things you want to see will draw every little bit of joy that you have out of you because it is too big for you...
Faith in the way you perceive things to be will make you stumble because it needs to go beyond that that you see.
So if we place our faith in the thing to happen or the circumstances to change, we will grow weary and lose heart. Because we will search in the physical.

The essences of faith are born in the quiet and secret prayer closet...the place of intimacy where the FATHER speak about HIS heart for the situation....faith is born out of the FATHER revealing HIS heart towards the matter....
Faith is then born out of the SPIRIT and it is placed in the FAITHFULL ONE. It is a remembrance of HIS CHARACTER...

It is knowledge that HE is LOVE and that HE shows love and mercy and compassion towards the person or situation.
It is the know that HE is LIGHT and where there is LIGHT no darkness can be victorious.
It is the believe that HE is TRUTH, knowing that HIS WORD CAN NOT RETURN VOID....remember the word that was born in the quiet, intimate prayer....the language of LOVE spoke to you by the FATHER.
It is knowledge that HE IS CONSUMING FIRE...and that is the substance of faith...that the WORD spoken will not return void, that a CONSUMING FIRE goes before you in order to bring into being what HE has promised to be....

We should really take time to read the rest of the chapter ...were Paul speak about Abraham and Noah...if my memory serves me ....God spoke...they act...they responded....

Faith is a action of response....its substance is in the existence of the FAITHFUL ONE who is not man THAT HE CAN LIE...because you see....the substance of faith is nothing we can do...it is about HIM....who "will never forget you. See I have inscribed you on the palms of MY HANDS"...(Isaiah 49:15 & 16) He have you covered...now, tomorrow always (Heb 13:5&6)....HE knows that we are dust...that is why HE is the FATHER...

Therefore your faith is based in HIM, WHO knows us....

The next time you struggle and battle with the question of your faith...look at the picture...we are all periodicals...just return home....

This must be love, love, love!

2008-10-28T00:36:00.000-05:00

Jerm 31:3 "The Lord has appeared of old to me, saying: "Yes, I have loved you with everlasting love: Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you."

Jerm 31:14 "And MY people shall be satisfied with MY goodness, says the LORD"

Jerm 31:17 "There is hope in your future; says the LORD"

Jerm 31:20 "I earnestly remember him still, Therefore MY heart YEARNS for him, I will surely

have mercy on him, says the LORD."

The loving kindness of God is just so overwhelming...Here we are at a point were Israel did almost every thing that they could have possibly done....God was angry, God spoke against them, but the biggest part of HIS heart I read in the verses mentioned above. All God is asking is for Israel to turn to HIM. Turn, and be satisfied with MY goodness.

This is really to much for me to comprehend How can GOD - the ALMIGHTY love so much....

It really makes you think about one of the being attributes of GOD - 1 John 4 - GOD IS LOVE....

HE can not contradict HIMSELF.

I am overwhelmed by the promise I have in God, and humbled by the fact that HE daily needs to teach me what it is to LOVE...because this love must sometimes hurt deeply, always take back, never boast, be humble and wait patiently...

I still have so much to learn about YOUR greatness LORD.....teach me YOUR ways...Lead me into the everlasting...and like David....search me GOD, search me and know my ways....the Afrikaans actually say it so beautiful....DEURGROND MY O GOD! DEURGROND! en KEN MY BEHAE...TOETS MY EN KEN MY GEDAGTES, DEURGROND MY EN KEN MY HART....

TiMe....

2008-10-23T09:20:00.000-05:00

I just finished one of my biggest exams this year. I am so glad it is over....but it really struck me while I was reading through all the other posts on my blog how God just speaks in the most random moments straight into my heart...like now...

The joy of never ever having to pick up this book again made me think in ministry how often do we not do this...sometimes you are so relieved that a camp is over and you never think about it again. When are we done? The words of Paul to the Colossians rings in my head...and I do not cease to pray for you...since the day I heard..but even in that there is friendship.

It just struck me that the very words the LORD so loud and clear spoke to me this year "Imitate me as I imitate Christ" (Paul wrote this), I nearly never live. So my question is when is the job done? Great so you evangelised them, what now. This is really a point of frustration for me. How do I get to them again? How do I keep in touch with them one's that stole my heart?

I sometimes feel so helpless when it comes to the way we minister - just get the numbers, meet the budget, make it funky....RA RA RA. This is not who the Lord wants to be to each of them, this is not how HE wants to manifest HIMSELF to them. I am at a point were I really want to question the way I minister....maybe this is something that LORD is starting in me...maybe this is the prophesied new thing..I really do not know. I just want to spent time at God's feet seeking HIS face in this...Jesus never did a hit and run...HE did not travel the world....but they sat at HIS feet and called HIM teacher.

2008-10-05T12:31:00.000-05:00

Today is the birthday of a very special lady, Annalet is someone God sent me into my life I believe to teach me what live is all about. She has a disease that causes her to develop very slowly mentally. So she has the maturity of a 15 year old at the moment although she is my age.
Since our friendship started she twice tried to commit suicide but both attempts was unsuccessful – God’s grace…because today I sit here and I VALUE the friendship of this woman….
Since I left the town we stayed in she has remembered me, she trust me, she speaks highly of me. She keep me in her child faith born prayers…she truly is a BLESSING…
I have left this town 7 years ago…..since then her love for me has not died, since then her thinking of me has not decrease, since then her remembrance of our times together became her treasure. Today I phoned her for her birthday…to hear that she is engaged. Her husband to be is in a wheelchair, but he loves her. He grasped that she is a GIFT….someone who in the worlds eyes is of imperfection, should be hidden, not talked about…but he calls her is ANGEL.
I saw God’s heart today and needless to say I am moved to tears because this is so much how HE is. In years HIS longing to be with me has not weaken, my life is not something HE regret speaking into motion... the day HE breathed life into me in my mothers womb. I left…for a while, took my own road…travelled, failed….but in that time HE remembered me….HE valued me, HE cried for me, HE longed for me…
If anyone ever doubted the purpose of Annalet’s existence, I want to point out that this woman of destiny brought me back to the essence of my being, God uses those who the world cast out to teach arrogant people like me that HE truly is THE FATHER to the FATHERLESS...

PLUNDER

2008-09-20T11:58:00.000-05:00

Sjoe, now this is one of the best words in Afrikaans to describe almost anything....the last two days was sjoe....

Yesterday I ended of with --- looking into all aspects of surrender.....only this morning to realise that this storm in me has been raging since the first week in September...it has been absolute plunder in the core of my existence....ALL .... was because of surrender..

I realised that I came to a place - where if my bank account is empty...well it kind of stir for a second and then I continued...I got to a place were if my beloved is taken away...it will hurt but I will go on...I came to a place that if I need to stay in Jbay for another year it will be hard...but I would be able to go on...I came to a place when I heard the word ENDO ....I thought now this is it but nearly half an hour later ...it was OK ....LORD YOUR WILL BE DONE.....

BUT IN VIEW OF HIS GRACE HE TOOK ME DEEPER.....

........I came to a place were I could not see me being a wife I have messed up the previous one why would this one work...it came to a place were I thought that all that I have been doing in the last three years was in vain although I poured my heart and soul into something I did not want to do to start of with because I really did not like children...I came to a place were the word FAILURE was written in and on everything...I felt pathetic, hopeless ....failure thinking why on earth is God not giving me another job...have I messed up this one so badly....although I grew so attached to it....why do I have to face the mountain of maybe not being a mother....and in this...who on earth would ever want to be with someone that can kind of not play her part of completing the picture of a happy family....

I realised that this has been in the spiritual world a journey of absolute plunder....for the other side....because I grasped something ....in my case....I came to a point were it really did hurt, it hurt until I had no tears to cry anymore, it hurt until I could not pray anymore, it hurt until I could not play flute anymore, it hurt until I grasped... I was singing BAMBELELA....just HOLD on to JESUS.....

There is more things that God can show me in this journey...I must admit I would like a break now, no seriously I can do with a long holiday...but something in me came to a point....

Al sou die vyeboom nie bot nie,
al sou die olyfoes misluk en die lande geen oes lewer nie
al sou daar geen kleinvee in die kampe meer wees nie en die
beeskraal sonder beeste wees....

NOGTANS sal ek juig, sal ek jubel in GOD my REDDER....

this journey .... I really do not know when it will end or what the next chapter will bring...but I grasped that it is OK to BAMBELELA....but in BAMBELELA...there is no mention of the future, the focus is now...but trust me the analyser in me wants to know...but it is grace that I do not know what next year or when I will get a car...because then I will dream and focus about THEN ........where it is NOW to run the RACE set BEFORE me with PATIENCE...to focus on NOW....the next little step...to finish this that HE entrusted me with now, with EXCELLENCE.....

Emerge

2008-09-19T10:31:00.001-05:00

2 DaYs of SoLiTude....

I woke up with this feeling of being dressed - PERFECTLY- in a evening dress....standing on a stage.....curtains ready to open.....heart pounding....I do not have the words yet........what will I say when the curtains open?

I am even sitting here writing about this random feeling....so then the scripture came.....

ISAIAH 52:

10 GOD has rolled up his sleeves. All the nations can see his holy, muscled arm. Everyone, from one end of the earth to the other, sees him at work, doing his salvation work. 11 Out of here! Out of here! Leave this place! Don’t look back. Don’t contaminate yourselves with plunder. Just leave, but leave clean. Purify yourselves in the process of worship, carrying the holy vessels of GOD. 12 But you don’t have to be in a hurry. You’re not running from anybody! GOD is leading you out of here, and the God of Israel is also your rear guard.
13 ¶ "Just watch my servant blossom! Exalted, tall, head and shoulders above the crowd! 14 But he didn’t begin that way. At first everyone was appalled. He didn’t even look human—a ruined face, disfigured past recognition. 15 Nations all over the world will be in awe, taken aback, kings shocked into silence when they see him. For what was unheard of they’ll see with their own eyes....

As I read this.....I wondered how on earth does this relate to this evening dress....

THEN the word POP - no serious it is POPPING....(only realised later it was the tap dripping)

EMERGE: to issue and appear....the preparation is done. The words will come....

The question remain - will I follow, faithfully wait....allow HIM to lead.....WILL i TRUST...to the point were I can hear the audience behind the curtains?

I can only do this fully if I know HIM....the MUSCULED arm.....kings shocked into SILENCE when they SEE HIM....

Looking into every aspect of surrender..to be continued....

ELEMENT

2008-09-18T05:26:00.004-05:00

Today I sat at my table reading all the Susanna Fourie camp feedback letters that the kiddies wrote....the one wrote about my ELEMENT jacket....now this is what I want to get to..

ELEMENT:

One of the simplest or essential parts or principles of which anything consists, or upon which the constitution or fundamental powers of anything are based.

I could only read about five letters and I was in tears....how can we allow a thing like this in a God fearing organisation. were we believe in God appointed people...I sat there thinking maybe I should not go....

Then HE spoke: I am the SAVING grace, the HEALING power, THE great I AM......REDEEMER AND FRIEND....ALPHA, OMEGA......I know all of them by name...I knew this would happen...it is not beyond MY control.....I AM THE ELEMENT!!

It becomes my prayer today...may we(I included) go back to the ELEMENT....

My prayer LORD...is KNOWING....YOU can do this...YOU are the SOURCE.....may this organisation base its existence on the ELEMENT.

Paradise Purple

2008-09-18T05:26:00.003-05:00

Ever picked up your journal and read something thinking...what ? Am I able to write like that..... I did today but I think I want to share this in some or the other way....

In the most hectic time of my year I sat down and I write something along the lines.....

"This morning I read about Moses and the Israelites crossing the Red Sea..... Lord YOU parted the water??? Now serious Lord, You knew that they were going to build the cow thingi? Does it not hurt sometimes Lord knowing that we mess with Your Grace..."

Sounds very modest doesn't it...no guess again ...what complete ignorance.....like I always please God....like what I wrote up there was ALL about God......was this placed in the word to make us see how bad we are???

NO - this is for HIS glory....HE is the PERFECT picture of love....HE is the perfect picture of GRACE, MERCY, COMPASSION....

IT is written for me to realise....it REALLY is NOT about me....IT is ABOUT the LOVE song I (GOD) sing....over you.....THAT IS MY STORY ilze, NOTHING ELSE.......I GOD love you.....

No what does paradise purple have to do with this you ask........

well you see.....the one thing I do know is I do not always make sense..... it does not make sense that HE spoke me into motion...that HE breathed into me...that HE KNOWS i am mad about PURPLE....and that HE wants to take me to PARADISE one day.......and that in PARADISE....I am sure, I will find lavender fields of purple......

Trees

2008-09-18T05:26:00.001-05:00

So MaNy tHiNgS......
sO mAnY ThInGs.......

There is this banner hanging over my head... there is this voice reminding me..you might not be
complete...there is this thought that comes in to action - tears streaming down my cheeks.... BUT.......YOU might...

I remember now - little Amore climbing a tree the other day...my first words to her when she went higher was ---- YoU cAn NoT dO tHaT.....yOu WiLl FaLl....... the SPIRIT stopped me on the spot....You speak that over her life...SHE CAN go HIGHER....she must just HOLD on....

The same SPIRIT is saying....YOU can, just HOLD on.....YOU can....JUST hold ON......

I lost the freedom little Amo has... somewhere along the line...I forgot that life is all about climbing trees.... but from UP there you can enjoy the view. Some of your trees might just be more adventurous than others... kind of like the one I am on now... but this one is different...it was one where got said...PLEASE get your BUDD of the comfortable branch....and CliMb......then when I MaDe the first move under a full moon on the beach....I really almost backed out...and then HE/he SAID.... now to HIM who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to HIS power working in us, to HIM be the GLORY in the church of Christ Jesus.....

So now I am on this branch.....called being a girlfriend...a wife shaped into being......nOt kNowIng how to iron or to cook (and this list of unclimbable branches continue) ....JuSt trying to HOLD on.... looking for the next BRANCH... waiting to GAIN the courage to LOOK down and see how far I have come....... KnOWiNg that HeIgHt now is called TRUST....

Heilig is die Here

2008-09-18T05:26:00.000-05:00

Ek sit vanoggend in my kantoor, en daar is net niks wat in my wil beweeg nie. Daar is niks in my wat wil opstaan en veg nie. Daar is niks in my wat wil hoop nie. Daar is niks in my wat wil voel nie al stroom die trane oor my wange.

Ek soek, ek soek na U, ek soek nie antwoorde nie, ek soek nie besittings nie, ek soek na die diepe versekering dat ek aan U behoort, dat ek uitverkore en aangeneem en geliefd is.

Ek soek U stem in die diepste donkerste hartseer wat hier in my hart kom huis maak het. Ek soek U stem in die ontydige en die tydige. Ek soek U ...

My vrae kan onbeantwoord bly, my bankrekening kan leeg bly... my liefde kan gesmoor word vir die aan wie ek kan vat en voel maar my siel wil opstaan, my siel hunker... ek soek U Here....

Ek soek die VADER arms wat my roep van ver af al ruik ek soos vark....ek soek die STEM wat roep as die mes reeds teen die offer se bors is....EK soek die LEWENDE water .....ek soek die VREDE van die samaritaanse vrou HERE, ek soek die MAN wat alles van my weet en vir my lief is...

Ek soek....GOD hier teenwoordig...die HEILIGE HERE....

Comfortable...

2008-09-17T09:23:00.000-05:00

Today I received a sms form a missionary friend, asking to pray for the Christians in India...To my shame it is now 5 hours later and I have not done this yet...I mean I sat whilst I was reading the sms, saying a short prayer....Later as I now sit in front of my laptop...it is starting to burden me, not the fact that I have not prayed for them but the fact that I go through life so ignorant...its a bliss sometimes...

What will I do when I have to flee for my life..let alone what will I do if I have to flee because I love Jesus. Why is the world in such a mess?

I would like to believe that it is because of people like me....

Pre-occupied and involve in things that would emphasise "me" that will make me feel better about me....

What changes the world..is it the fact that I lead an outreach to Thailand this year or the fact that I have camped weekend after weekend.....I sit here and I would like to differ...it is all good things yes...but I turn around and sometimes want to question...who lives? If I truly understand the re-birth power living in me....what would my day look like?

I do not know.... sitting here to comfortable to think...and that is just my problem and the problem of so many others...

Church is a form of feeling, getting and understanding.....but body is a togetherness, unity and a combination of being in ONE PLACE and acting....it is a work of the SPIRIT. My question to myself was today is who killed my spirit?

Amazing Grace

2008-09-14T01:34:00.000-05:00

Ever saw the moon as a big bright ball in the sky? It always makes me feel very small - but somehow however small and insignificant I feel...I always want to dance when I see it....the big bright ball.

Ever read the Psalm were the Psalm writer speaks about - but what is man that YOU are mindful of him? (Psalm 8 by the way)....I think David knew...that it really was not about him...that when God made this splendor...HE made it to show HIS glory...HIS vastness.... it was to show us in our ignorance....look at ME...dear child....look up....when it is tough....look up....and in my case always so beautiful when I do that...I always feel that God is winking and saying....shall we dance? HE puts me back in rhythm....

HE tells me ...that in a wink HE could said...I am not interessted..but when I look at the big bright ball, I am reminded....that it is GRACE and that it is for HIS glory....but it put in perspective...HIS love....that in the mist of this splendor.....HE is looking for me....HE is not pre-occuppied with the fact that the sun needs to come up in the morning....HE is reminding me that HIS grace is active...alive...and living in me....

AMAZING......

Moved...

2008-09-12T09:25:00.000-05:00

I woke up today and looked outside..first to decide what will I pull out of my cupboard today and then I notice the ray of sunlight across the window pane... I had to stop and breathe. Just for a moment - very brief I thought about my existence. How much of my time and effort goes into me.....me being me....getting dress...wasting time. I was reminded of a caption on John Piper's book - "don't waste your life" .....about this elderly couple that retired drove around America and got to heaven....after they spent their retired life picking up shells. They got to heaven asking God to look at their shells. I do not want to spent the rest of my life talking about things. Wondering, pondering...I want to be out there doing...not good things but God things....

I sometimes wonder if we need to sometimes take an outside look into our lives...what will we see? A motion picture...kind off without action..centre of attention "my" little world...bounded by routine?

Anyway - back to the sunlight...I want to be sunlight...in the dark hours....the ray that catches your attention when you were about to go into the other direction...I want to be sunlight the ray that warms you cold heart on a over cast day...I want to be sunlight... being there every morning...just there were you started looking for direction... I want to be sunlight...the warmth you stumble upon looking for something other than what to wear.....

In remembrance...

2008-09-11T09:53:00.000-05:00

I came across something today that was part of me a few years ago.... you guessed correct I immediately thought - "NO"/ one must ever see this!

Funny thing...this haunted me for the rest of the day....why should no one ever see this? I struck home about mid afternoon.... so much of my existence revolve about being correct ...being in control...I am bound by my fear and thoughts of what I think makes me acceptable.

I turned and thought about Jesus' words in John 4 to the sinful woman at the well...in Samaria....

There must have been something in His eyes...and His word that made this women grasp something about being accepted...she turned around and ran into a village...shouting..."COME SEE THE MAN WHO TOLD ME ALL I EVER DID"....almost like in a remembrance of what is gone and the promise of what is to come.....

I know the MAN who can tell me all I ever did...but yet I chose to be directed and guided by the rules of society...I have freedom but I choose the boundaries...I have acceptance but I chose to part take in an everlasting race of always being more...better....famous.....grasping now that I do not always know who I am in this MAN....this MAN shows me the way to the FATHER...who sees me in this MAN....will we ever grasp the CROSS...what will happen if we believe the same power is LIVING in me?

You will be blessed

2008-09-09T06:40:00.000-05:00

Psalm 84:5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage...

Pilgrimage.....

A long journey or search, especially one of exalted purpose or moral significance......

This morning I woke up...not really grasping why this verse was ringing in my head. All through the shower...over my cup of coffee. Then it hit me. Trust in God with all your heart, love Him and He will direct your paths..You will be blessed. I read on........

Psalm 84:6

As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs;the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

Not only will we be blessed but our presence and the fruit of your being will turn the relationships that we have into an place of springs, covered with pools and autumn rain.

Why do I come to a place were I doubt God's goodness? Maybe it is because so many times I must be in control knowing were I am heading. But how much of the blessing do we miss in being one step ahead, being in control. I want to come to a point were I feel free not knowing, but KNOWING the FAITHFUL ONE. I want to come to a point were I spent my sleepless nights wondering about what next...entering HIS court. I want to be BLESSED in this way that HE promise. I am hungry to see HIS glory in this way.
I am wondering what my relationships will look like when this becomes the fruit of my being. Complete and utter trust in the ONE. Will I then become a spring of life....will I then only be able to say like Paul - imitate me as I imitate Christ...or like Paul writting to the Colossians, Jesus being the very image of the Father - and Jesus in me being the hope of glory. What would happen if we live this predestined adopted life that HE intended for us to live....if we set our hearts on a pilgrimage...and pass through this very present dry land...and see it being turned into a place of springs....I am challenge by the thought that my idea however good...might not just be what was intended....